O

Let’s just get this out there — Oprah is the supreme deity. There are no others. It is she who must be worshipped. OK, now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll proceed.

The May 2009 issue of O: The Oprah Magazine features a large section of articles which the cover teases with “The O Sex Survey: Moms Listen Up, Your Daughters Have Something to Tell You.” That’s a tease that worked. You got me, I’m listening. The articles are HERE and they are riveting all. My oldest daughter is nearly 13. Some days I barely recognize her in the morning she is changing so quickly. Even from moment to moment the expressions on her face change from carefree child to wise young woman and back again. I don’t think we’re quite there with the boys-dominating-her-thoughts stage, but then again, you never know.

When those thoughts do become more of a force, I want to be there for her in a supportive, but not-oversharing way. My goal is that she’ll only need therapy for a year or two and not require decades of medication to undo the trauma I’ve caused her. Do you think that’s reasonable? It may be overambitious.

Here’s the letter I sent to Oprah:

As the mother of three preteen daughters, I was transfixed by the May 2009 articles on how mothers and daughters communicate about sex. This is definitely an issue of O that I will keep to refer back to as each of my girls approaches the sexual milestones in their lives. I was, however, a bit disappointed that so little mention was made of the impact of fathers in the context of discussing sex with daughters. I know that my own parents disagreed about discussing sex with me, and it was my father’s wishes that won out. My husband has his own “ewww” reaction when I mention discussing sex with our daughters. Negotiating elements of “the talk” with the men in a girl’s life can be just as challenging as having the actual talk.

A few years ago, I overheard my husband talking on the phone with a male friend of his. I only got his half of the conversation. He sounded despondent and was saying things like, “Oh my God. When did it happen. I’m so sorry. What did you do?” When I asked him what was going on I was braced for a story about an illness or accident. Instead he said, “My friend’s daughter got her first period.” The girl was a perfectly normal, healthy 12 year old, right on schedule. And my husband was acting like she had been stricken with a life-threatening disease. No can do with that attitude, mister.

We’ve had several conversations since then about his attitudes about our daughters’ growth and now imminent transformation into, yes, sexual beings. He’s working on it. Now I think he’s in the don’t-ask-don’t-tell camp about what I share with the girls about sex. I think he’s fine with me being open and honest with them, but he doesn’t want to know what they know, and he doesn’t want to be informed about “a talk” having occurred, because then he might have to look at them differently.

The O articles really are fantastic (I’d expect nothing less) and I will be saving the issue to refer back to. But I really do think that they committed an editorial Sin of Omission by neglecting to even mention the role the men play in influencing the entire family’s experience of discussing these complicated and important issues.