Sins of Omission

Let’s just get this out there — Oprah is the supreme deity. There are no others. It is she who must be worshipped. OK, now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll proceed.

The May 2009 issue of O: The Oprah Magazine features a large section of articles which the cover teases with “The O Sex Survey: Moms Listen Up, Your Daughters Have Something to Tell You.” That’s a tease that worked. You got me, I’m listening. The articles are HERE and they are riveting all. My oldest daughter is nearly 13. Some days I barely recognize her in the morning she is changing so quickly. Even from moment to moment the expressions on her face change from carefree child to wise young woman and back again. I don’t think we’re quite there with the boys-dominating-her-thoughts stage, but then again, you never know.

When those thoughts do become more of a force, I want to be there for her in a supportive, but not-oversharing way. My goal is that she’ll only need therapy for a year or two and not require decades of medication to undo the trauma I’ve caused her. Do you think that’s reasonable? It may be overambitious.

Here’s the letter I sent to Oprah:

As the mother of three preteen daughters, I was transfixed by the May 2009 articles on how mothers and daughters communicate about sex. This is definitely an issue of O that I will keep to refer back to as each of my girls approaches the sexual milestones in their lives. I was, however, a bit disappointed that so little mention was made of the impact of fathers in the context of discussing sex with daughters. I know that my own parents disagreed about discussing sex with me, and it was my father’s wishes that won out. My husband has his own “ewww” reaction when I mention discussing sex with our daughters. Negotiating elements of “the talk” with the men in a girl’s life can be just as challenging as having the actual talk.

A few years ago, I overheard my husband talking on the phone with a male friend of his. I only got his half of the conversation. He sounded despondent and was saying things like, “Oh my God. When did it happen. I’m so sorry. What did you do?” When I asked him what was going on I was braced for a story about an illness or accident. Instead he said, “My friend’s daughter got her first period.” The girl was a perfectly normal, healthy 12 year old, right on schedule. And my husband was acting like she had been stricken with a life-threatening disease. No can do with that attitude, mister.

We’ve had several conversations since then about his attitudes about our daughters’ growth and now imminent transformation into, yes, sexual beings. He’s working on it. Now I think he’s in the don’t-ask-don’t-tell camp about what I share with the girls about sex. I think he’s fine with me being open and honest with them, but he doesn’t want to know what they know, and he doesn’t want to be informed about “a talk” having occurred, because then he might have to look at them differently.

The O articles really are fantastic (I’d expect nothing less) and I will be saving the issue to refer back to. But I really do think that they committed an editorial Sin of Omission by neglecting to even mention the role the men play in influencing the entire family’s experience of discussing these complicated and important issues.

One of my moderately obscurish newsstand addictions is the magazine Mental Floss.  It’s bit of a mash-up of the Book of Lists, Jeopardy, and the old Spy magazine, full of light and chatty articles about highbrow topics. For example, a recent article discussed the relationship between Chippendale (the Revolutionary Era furniture maker), Chip & Dale (the mischievous chipmunks), and Chippendales (the “nightclub”). After a half hour with Mental Floss, you’d be uber-prepared for cocktail party chatting.

An article in the March/April 2009 issue struck my eye, “The 25 Most Influential Books of the Past 25 Years.” The introductory blurb states, “This list isn’t about story arcs or beautiful prose; it’s about books with spine. Whether they’ve saved lives or gotten people killed, predicted America’s future or uncovered it’s past, these 25 books have all had real-world impact.”

There is obviously no dearth of list-type articles out there in magazine-land. Any end-of-year wrap-up issue worth it’s salt will have at least a few of them. List articles run the gamut from US News and World Report’s Best Colleges list to fluffy items in Entertainment Weekly like “The Top 50: Best Movie Tearjerkers Ever” (December 4, 2008). I love list articles because they’re perfect for making you feel superior to some know-nothing editor. They thought the Way We Were was only the 29th most tear-jerking movie? Well, bring on the hankies, because it’s #1 in my book.

I had my snark-mobile all gassed up before I dug into the Mental Floss book list, but I actually found it quite thought-provoking. The list included both fiction and non-fiction, a nice genre-bending twist that acknowledges that both fantasy and reality have the power to change the world. There were obvious choices: #7 The Satanic Verses, a tome that incited riots and death threats. And less obvious choices: #24 Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, the guide that made grammar important again. All in all, a nutritious and well-balanced meal.

However, not being one to leave well-enough alone, I know that any arbitrary list leaves open the opportunity for the reader to point out a Sin of Omission (see my previous post). Of course there were more than 25 highly influential books in the past 25 years. (At least that’s what I’m hoping.) But pointing out which omission will make a strong enough impact to get a letter published, there’s my challenge.

I came up with three choices:

-    Deep End of the Ocean, Jacquelyn Michard, 1996
-    The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch, 2008
-    What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Heidi Murkoff, 1984

The Deep End of the Ocean was the first Oprah Book Club choice. I am the firmest of believers in the miracle of Oprah. We all know that she and her book club did more to stave off the demise of the book publishing industry than a mega-store’s worth of Tom Clancys and Steven Kings. Well, except that Oprah might be given a run for her money by Mental Floss’s #16 pick: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, J.K. Rowling, 1998 (duh). It seems they already have the book-saves-the-publishing-industry angle covered already.

If I were to a letter about The Last Lecture it would be something about the power of an individual to make the world a better place. But I’m not going to write that letter because I must confess that I have not read The Last Lecture. I have purchased it, twice. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. I should read it, I know. It’s inspirational. I’ll be moved. I’ll laugh. I’ll cry. But, frankly, I’m scared that I’ll only cry and won’t laugh and I’m not sure if that’s something I can handle. Last month, there was a plaque installed near the Tea Cup ride at Disney World as a memorial to Pausch. The plaque reads, “Be good at something; it makes you valuable … Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.” A memorial at Disney World? See, I’m crying and I’m not going to be able to stop. I just can’t go that route.

So here’s the letter I sent to Mental Floss today:

I loved Rosemary Ahern’s List of The 25 Most Influential Books; many surprising and yet surprisingly insightful choices. If you were going to make it a list of the 26 Most Influential Books, I’d suggest you add “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” This best-selling pregnancy guide has taught an entire generation of women how to take care of their babies, as well as themselves, without the paternalistic overtones of Dr. Spock. It’s not a stretch to say that the groundbreaking big-sister-telling-it-like-it-is vibe of “What to Expect” paved the way for women to be more honest and open in their friendships. It’s only a short hop from “What to Expect” to “Sex in the City”. (Though biologically it should have been the other way around.)

And though I’m not putting this in the letter, I also think it’s only a short hop from What to Expect to the Walt Disney World Moms Panel. It’s all advice from one Mom to another.

About a month ago, I went with my family on a wonderful week-long vacation to Costa Rica. If you’re interested, you can read a complete trip report HERE. (And by the way, thanks again to the fabulous Deb Wills of allears.net for allowing me to be a guest blogger on the creme de la creme of Disney info sites.) The most memorable part of a very memorable trip was our excursion on the Sky Trek zip lines. In fact, the zip lines were about 75% of the reason why we chose Costa Rica as a travel destination. The kiddos’ favorite activity at their summer camp is a small zip line. They happened to see some TV footage of the Costa Rican zip lines and there was no way were going to avoid going there. Flying through the air over the jungle was something they had to do. Please, mommy, please. While zip lining did not end up to be my particular cup of tea (did I mention the flying through the air over the jungle part?), I am glad that I added this to my list of life experiences. Moreover, I have spoken with about a dozen different families who have been to Costa Rica and, bar none, they mentioned zip lining as a key element of their trips.

I woke up this morning to find three full pages of the New York Times travel section devoted to touring Costa Rica. You can read the article HERE. The author, Ethan Todra-Whitehill, does a phenomenal job with his trip report. (Needless to say, a much better job than I did with my trip report.) He talks about the animals and jungle and rafting and the beach with passion and flair. But he does not once mention zip lining as an activity. OK, so the article does take the form a report on his own experiences and he did not happen to go on a zip line. But sheesh, it’s a HUGE eco-tourism draw and one of the most popular activities for that destination. Don’t you think Mr. New York Times could have at least mentioned that this existed?

So my letter to the Times today points out their sin of omission.

Here it is:

Having recently returned from a week in Costa Rica, I was thrilled to relive our trip through Ethan Todras-Whitehill’s extensive travelogue. However, I feel he was remiss in not giving at least a passing mention to one of Costa Rica’s biggest adventure draws: jungle zip lines. While the rafting portion of my trip was fun, the most memorable activity was a Sky Trek excursion over several miles of zip lines strung hundreds of feet over the rain forest. Traveling through the air at automobile-like speeds, with only a small harness for support was the thrill of a lifetime. In my opinion, a must-have experience for any traveler to Costa Rica.

Whether by design or simply lack of space, no article can ever cover a topic in its entirety. Something must always be left out. Given enough readers, those omissions are bound to be uncovered. Thus, the Sin of Omission letter is a staple of the Letter to the Editor art form. There’s even one that ran in today’s Times travel section. I wonder how I’ll do with it?